Nicole W. CooleyAuthor of Into the Light: Rape, Abortion and the Truth that Set Me Free

     I am here today because I deeply regret the abortion I had four weeks after being raped. There is no good reason to have an abortion. All the logical reasons fail to keep your heart from breaking when it’s over.

“For I know the plans that I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.”  Jeremiah 29:11, NASB 

     In my mind, I can still picture the doors of the little white church located in La Bartolina, Mexico.   An active “Volunteer in Mission” at my church, I spent spring break week in Mexico for three consecutive years while I was in high school.  I served as a primary translator and also a teacher for the Vacation Bible School we conducted for the children while our construction teams worked on other projects in the village.  The first big “door” of service to God opened and the experience changed my life forever.

     In Mexico, I tasted the thrill of submitting myself to God’s will and experienced the joy of being used by Him for a greater purpose.  The first time I ever truly allowed myself to be “led by the Holy Spirit” occurred in that tiny Mexican village.  In this little church, the pastor laid hands on me and prayed for me (in Spanish) for what I felt was a call to be a missionary in the future.  Ever since, I have been trying to guess exactly what God had in store for me.  I am always trying to figure out what God wants me to do next...and I rarely get it right.

     In the past fifteen years of my marriage, our family has moved eight times with the US Army.  Every time we arrive at a new location, I have prayed, “God, what would you have me do here?”  In the early years, I would eagerly go out and find “doors” for God to bless.  In Germany, I found the perfect volunteer position and I argued with God in prayer about it as I felt the Holy Spirit telling me not to take it.  “But this will be great, God!” I insisted.  A few months later, mobilized on active duty in a grueling job, I realized God knew best...I now hated this volunteer job which ate up way to much of my precious little personal time.

     Perhaps the most surprising “door” God opened for me came while we were stationed at Fort Carson, Colorado.  With my pro-life experience, I thought the perfect “door” would be to help out at the local pregnancy center.  I completed the training and realized this wouldn’t be the case....with the commute, I would spend two hours for childcare without doing anything but sit in traffic!  Then, God showed me the “door” He had in mind all along...teaching abstinence to soldiers on Fort Carson, literally minutes from my home.  On my very first briefing to a group of soldiers, I said, “If you can get past the irony of an obviously pregnant woman teaching you about abstinence, we’ll get along just fine!”  As usual, God knew best.  A former soldier myself, now married to a soldier, and with my firsthand experience with those who don’t hold to military values, I had a lot to say...and the soldiers listened to me. 

     You’d think by now I would have realized God isn’t going to pick my “door.”  His “door” is always way better than my “door” anyway!  Yet, in my impatience to get started on my next mission for His Kingdom, I had already been “door shopping” when God prompted me to email Dr. Fletcher Armstrong.  Fletcher is the Director for the Center for Bio-Ethical Reform’s Southeast Region.  I had participated with them in an outreach to college students when we lived at Fort Knox, Kentucky.  I have supported CBR financially ever since (over ten years) and strongly believe in what they do.  Imagine my surprise when Fletcher emailed back...he just “happened” to be in Staunton, Virginia for lunch that day which is mere miles from our home in Churchville!

     In my email to Fletcher, I asked for gas money so I would be able to help with GAP in Virginia.  GAP stands for “Genocide Awareness Project.”  (See a short video about GAP at www.prolifeoncampus.com.)  CBR’s operating philosophy comes from the King family.  Dr. Martin Luther King said, “America will not reject racism until America sees racism.”  His niece, Dr. Alveda King, now says, “America will not reject abortion until America sees abortion.”  CBR use pictures to help people see abortion.  The use of images brings the abortion issue into clear focus, away from the abstract theoretical debates.  It is one thing to “say” abortion is wrong; it is quite another to “see” abortion depicted visually.  It is a debate ender. 

     I met Fletcher for lunch the next day.  Not only did he promise to pay for my gas, he offered me my “dream job” as a Project Director for CBR focused on my home state of Virginia.  You see, the call on my heart is, and has been for years, to share my story of rape and abortion to all who will listen.  My “mission field” is the women who are hurting from abortion and more importantly, the women who have yet to make my tragic mistake.  I believe the only way to truly end abortion is to change hearts and minds, one at a time.  In my experience, using pictures along with open dialogue is the very best way to accomplish this goal. 

     In my first months as a “pro-life missionary” I am learning about raising donor support, networking with college students, and how to effectively share the pro-life message.  I keep pinching myself in total disbelief that I am getting paid to do a job that I love.   I traveled with our team to Liberty, Radford, Tennessee- Knoxville and Tennessee-Chatanooga so far this fall, speaking to college students openly about abortion every time.  My mind is crowded with images of their faces and my heart with prayers for them as well.  The future will be busy too...and I love it.  I feel honored to be in a position to be used by God to touch hearts, change minds, and save lives on college campuses. 

     In Jeremiah, God says, “I know the plans I have for you...to give you a future and a hope.”  It isn’t always easy to see the “door” God has planned for your life.  Looking back, each time I recall feeling the latest challenge to be the hardest one yet.  But, God manages to stretch me further every time, with every new “door.”  I guess I know I am in the right place when my daily prayer seems to be, “God, are you sure about this?”  He knows I can’t bare my heart to strangers without His help.  This new “door” brings me even closer to His heart as He works through me on college campuses.

To learn more about how you can support Pro Life on Campus (an outreach of the Center for Bio-Ethical Reform), visit www.prolifeoncampus.com or drop me a note on my contact page.      

           Unpacking after a move reminds me of Christmas.  With each box, old treasures become new again as my memory revisits the significance of special items that have traveled with me over the years.  Today I found another such treasure in a black and white photograph of a gnarled tree with the caption, “The courage to grow in spite of wounds.”

            I purchased this photograph from a ministry close to my heart, “Committed to Freedom,” which helps people overcome a past of sexual abuse.  This tree started out fine, but was damaged and had to begin again in a new direction.  This is what wounds do to us.  Initially, we are stunted.  Eventually, we branch out again, forever changed by the scars, yet still fruitful and prosperous nonetheless.

            I love to think of God as the Master Potter and me, the clay in His capable hands.  The bits and pieces I give Him to work with are far from perfect.  They are stained with my tears of pain and sin.  There are good bits too, certainly.  God looks at it all the same and says to Himself, “I can use that.”  The good, the bad and the ugly are all equal fodder in His creative hands.  Just like the tree, He finds unique ways for me to begin again and find my way once more into the sunlight.

            It has been two years now since I learned the child I had been carrying for four and half months had died.  I figured I had already earned my “PhD in suffering.”  I was mistaken.  This most recent journey has taken me down many rabbit trails of depression when all hope seemed lost.  My past experience didn’t help me at all in dealing with this new pain...except to offer the reminder of God’s faithfulness.  I know the purpose of MY pain is to help others.  God has given me yet another window into the misery of the human heart.  I can empathize because I do indeed understand.

            I haven’t decided where to put my tree picture.  It needs to go where I will see it on a regular basis.  I want to be reminded on dark days to seek the light above, and to courageously move forward, yet again.   On good days, I will look on it and smile, encouraged to know on this day I am on the bright side of the pain.  I will remember that God does indeed “work all things together for good,” as I am a living testimony to His faithfulness.  (Romans 8:28)

Look for “The Courage Tree” at Committed to Freedom’s bookstore:  http://www.committedtofreedom.org/shop.html    

Does God speak to you in church?  He speaks to me in the sanctuary of my local church quite often.  There are two places I often hear His voice in my heart - in the shower (!!!!) and in church.  I think it is because those are two places where you usually won’t find my toddler, Abby, nearby distracting me.  Also, I also tend to have my spiritual ears open.  The shower is my mini-retreat from the stresses of life as a “single” parent while my husband is away serving our country.  Church is where I recharge my spiritual batteries.  God shows me the most profound things when He speaks to me.  He also often stretches me beyond my known capabilities!

A few Sundays ago, I remembered our current home near Hinesville, Georgia did not have a local pregnancy resource center.  It happened again the next week.  And the next.  “God, are you telling me you want me to start a pregnancy center?”  A strong feeling of excitement mixed with apprehension filled my gut.  “OK, God, is this really You?”  (We’ve had this conversation many times....I think His response is along the lines of “Who else would it be, Nicole?”)  So I prayed, “God, if this is really You, give me confirmation when I seek the counsel of my pastor.”

The next week, I met with my pastor (Chuck Owens of First Baptist Church of Hinesville) and he loved the idea.  He quickly pulled a couple of church elders into the office - and they too grasped the vision.  The ball began to roll...in a few weeks I would meet Jim Elliott, the missionary for the New Sunbury Baptist Association.  At that meeting we all agreed, if this is God’s will, and we all think it is, God will make this a reality.

I have never started a pregnancy center before in my life.  I have witnessed God start a pregnancy center....but I was a bystander, not intimately involved in the process.  (I mention this incredible story in my book.)  As I look back on my collective experiences in pro-life work, it has started to make sense.  I have dabbled in just about every ministry a pregnancy center supports.  I have participated in and led post-abortion healing Bible studies.  I have trained to be a pregnancy counselor.  I have taught abstinence to soldiers (that story is in my book, too!)  I have been a side-walk counselor outside an abortion clinic.  I have talked to the media at a “life-chain” event while holding my “I regret my abortion” sign.  I am a member of the National Right to Life (and have attended one of their conventions.)  I am an encyclopedia of information on abortion from my extensive reading over the past ten years.  And, I’m a pro-life author who has also appeared on TV a few times.  “But, God?”  my heart pleads.  “I have never done this before!”  Therein lies my answer....BUT, GOD!  I have never done this before, BUT GOD has!  (Thank you Valerie Bixler, great woman of God, for teaching me this truth!!)

I reflected on all the people in the Bible who might have had a similar conversation with God.  Moses reminded God that perhaps someone who didn’t stutter would be a better choice for a spokesman to represent Him to the Egyptian Pharoh.  God wasn’t worried....but to ease Moses’ mind, He sent along his brother Aaron to help.  God called Esther, a mere handmaiden of the King, to defy protocol and risk her life to save the Jewish people.  God put Joseph through hell on earth....sold into slavery by his siblings only to be later falsely accused and imprisoned for a crime he didn’t commit.  Then Joseph rose to serve as the second only to the King over all of Egypt.  In this God-given role, Joseph was able to save his family from starvation and ultimately provide for the Jews during a terrible famine.  Over and over it is apparent to me that God does not call on those who are equipped and ready for the job He has for them.  Instead He equips those He calls for the job He has for them.

In Hebrews chapter 11, we read about the “great cloud of witnesses” who testify to the faithfulness of God to those who walk in His purpose for their lives.  Today, I feel my own “cloud of witnesses” in the wonderful faces of friends, both new and old, who are rallying around me in support of this idea.  Yes, Hinesville, someday soon you will have a pregnancy center!  In the meantime, I look in eager anticipation to watch the events unfold to create this reality.  For I know God is not only good, but He is able....to do exceedingly more than I can ever imagine.  I can hardly wait.

Want to help?  Shoot me an email on my contact page - and I’ll get you linked in!  God Bless You!   

Today (March 17, 2009) the film crew from CBN came to our home to interview me for an upcoming feature on the 700 Club. Since my grandmother's passing the end of February, I have struggled to maintain even the basics around our home. The house was nowhere ready for a TV crew!

I hired a friend (all my household help become dear friends) and we worked feverishly for two days for over four hours. Besides that, I worked in between, too! This morning while Abby slept and the boys were over at another friend's house (THANKS CHERYL!), I had more time to clean. I noticed the sink, then the counter by the stove, and the water cooler, too was dusty. I scrubbed the trash can lid and the floor near the trash cans. It seemed no matter where I looked, I saw yet another imperfection - more dirt. When I exhausted the cleaning wipes, I determined it was an impossible task. There would always be more dirt. So I resigned myself that this had to be good enough and hoped they wouldn't film the kitchen - and if they did, any neglected dirt wouldn't show.

I read a little scripture before my shower and continued to reflect on the dirt. I also prayed for the upcoming interview - that God would use me for His glory. Then it hit me that God didn't notice my dirt. Not because He couldn't see it - but because He chose to ignore it. The veil of Christ's shed blood for me gave Him "rose colored glasses" that masked my imperfections from His view. God saw my heart. My desire to please Him - to honor Him with my life touched His heart. God's love for me is overwhelming - God loves my heart because He knows it belongs to Him. God doesn't care about my dirt -literally! I am a terrible housekeeper! But, God has gifted me in other ways that I do use for Him. I felt challenged to see myself as God does - and not yield to the tendency to self-condemnation for the dirt in my life I have yet to find victory over.

I reflected on David of the Bible - who was known for having a heart after God's own heart. David had some significant failures, but his heart ultimately belonged to God. It was this endearing quality that God adored. I recalled how God's eyes search the earth looking for those whose hearts are completely His (2 Chronicles 16:9). In another passage God promises to remove our sins from His view - as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12).

God has never desired perfection as much as submission - obedience to His purpose. I must simply work in His purpose for my life. The dirt is irrelevant. But, somehow I have a feeling that eventually God will give me victory in all areas of my life - and help me clean the dirty spots once and for all.